Onward

So after the mad rush of preparing paper work, it seems to have been all in vain to a certain extent. With the passing of the law, the date became irrelevant and all people adopting from the US were instantly required to hire an agency.

This took the wind right out of my sails.

It's just slightly stifling to discover after some paper shuffling that what was going to be around 12,000 will now be closer to 30,000 dollars. I get that most people that do this are met with that fact up front but I am my father's daughter and I have this need to think I am getting a deal in my bones. I have been known to sacrifice the thing I really want the most for something less just for the mere satisfaction that comes from me knowing that what I ended up with was on sale.
It's ridiculous, I know, and I am slowly moving on.

So we wait.

We look around for a minute and we question God.
I question my capacity for really doing this thing.
I question whether he really called us to this, maybe I was just having an emotional moment.
I doubt it all...

And I pray.

I ask God to forgive a faith so weak that it would be shaken by the passing of a law.
I pray for further clarity, for greater faith, and for courage that I don't seem to have at this moment.

Within a couple of weeks a friend tells me about an agency that will "supervise" us. What this really means is that she will put her name on everything as if she is doing it herself but it will really be us doing it. So we will have what we need to satisfy all of the paper pushers and be able to jump through all of the required hoops because she is helping us for a minimal fee in comparison.

The beautiful thing about God is that he speaks to us in our language. He knows what matters to us even down to the giddiness we feel over getting a deal. He is faithful even when we are not.

So we press on.


And he reminds me this morning as I read...

"So I will allure her, I will lead her into the desert and speak to her heart"
                                                                                                                                        Hosea 2:16

This is what he did for me. When I was struggling with postpartum depression left way too long and I was barely functioning, sustained by Damien's love and strength...

I was in the Desert.
Broken.
And that was when God spoke to my heart about adopting our daughters.

Because somehow when we have come to the end of ourselves, we are better listeners.

"May we call out for insight and beg for understanding, looking for is as if it is silver or gold, a precious hidden treasure, then we will understand the fear of the Lord and find the knowledge of God."
  -Prov. 2:3

Prayer

For years I have struggled with prayer. I start off great and then I get distracted and then recall that I was praying so I start back up again. So I began to write my prayers down in an effort to focus and sometimes I say them out loud. I always wondered why I could study the Bible and do Bible studies all day but prayer just seemed so much harder. I realize that it is because it is the essence of relationship. It requires intimate communication, complete vulnerability, and poverty of spirit. In "A Praying Life", Paul Miller reminds me that I don't need self discipline to pray continuously, I just need to be poor in spirit. I must realize how much I need Him and as much as I try to be an independent do it yourself type of girl- I am nothing without Him. "Dependency is the heartbeat of prayer"- P Miller. 

May we stop dulling our souls with the narcotic of activity and Abide with the One whose very breath is in our lungs. 

Good luck

Yesterday I was out with the kids teaching them how to do cartwheels in the grass. It reminded me of childhood and the beautiful days spent with grass between my toes running after fire flies. It didn't last long as Julian and Cooper weren't really interested so we decided to start looking for four-leaf clovers. I told them how rare it was to find one that had four leaves and that some people think that if you find one you will be lucky even though I don't really believe in luck all that much. We looked for a while and I stopped and I prayed out loud, "God, we know that you know where all of the special clovers are. So, if you could just help me to find one that would be really awesome." The kids heard me and kept looking for a few minutes more. Julian finally decided to go in the house declaring we didn't have any of those four leaf clovers in our yard. Thirty seconds later I say, "Thank you for being so Good." Cooper comes over to where I am and sees the four leaf clover in my hand and he immediately runs in and yells to Julian, "God is good! Mom found one!"
And if they just learn that it will be enough.

A mad rush

           In July of this year a law will be passed that changes the way we do adoptions in our country. It will be a good change for the most part and will help to bring unity to the whole process. As a result, we have had to do about 6-9 months worth of paper work in three weeks. I am talking about HIV tests, TB tests, kids vaccinations and physicals, police checks, fire inspections, references, autobiographies, home inspections, and the list goes on.We are trying to get everything in before the law goes into effect because for us it means about $20,000 and a lot more work. I am optimistic but in all reality I know that it will be a miracle. I really think that God sometimes orchestrates these scenarios in our lives to show us His goodness. So that we can know even more profoundly that this is all about him and not us.

Deeper than my feet could ever wander

                  When we returned home that moment and the feelings I had refused to leave me. What I thought was perhaps residual compassion that would fade over time began to grow. It refused to be silenced or satisfied with just a check in the mail. I am not proud to admit this but I haven't ever even considered that we might adopt. I have seen firsthand how important genetics are and I have always had trouble believing that I could love a child that wasn't mine. My stance has been pretty clear from the beginning. I always read the verse in James and told myself that it didn't specify how we are to take care of the orphans and widows and sending money or food was just as well.

Until now...

The whole time I was in Nicaragua while we were walking on trails or riding in a truck a song I heard right before I left kept playing in my head:

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders

Let me walk upon the waters

wherever you would call me

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander

and my faith will be made stronger in the presence of my Savior

I will call upon your name

keep  my eyes above the waves

my soul will rest in your embrace

I am yours

and you are mine

 

- "Oceans"- Hillsong United

 

 

My feet would never have even began to walk in this direction without the voice of the Holy Spirit.

I finally decided to google "adopting from Nicaragua" just for fun. I read for about an hour and realized how completely ridiculous I must have been for thinking that God would ever want me to do something that hard. Mounds of translated paper work, no pictures of children would ever be shown, and the kicker, you have to live there for a three month fostering period. Well, that was fun while it lasted.. the end.

The very next day I was looking for a local church that might be hosting a conference I wanted to attend. We live in the middle of nowhere so I thought there was a slim to none chance of finding one, but I did. In Dayton, TN, the closest town to us. I clicked on the link and started investigating this church and though I was just looking to attend the conference, I thought the church looked really good. I was browsing their site which is pretty simple really and I clicked on the missions tab at the top and in big bright letters it said NICARAGUA.

Right after I had just given up the night before.

Of all of the options of churches and of all of the focuses on missions to choose from, God led me directly to this ONE??!!

When I mentioned the possibility of adopting to my other half he said that he thought it was great. Even after I told him how hard it was and all of the things we would have to do, he still agreed. He told me that after knowing me for this long if I was willing to do this then it must be from God.

So the adventure of trusting and obeying begins.



Nicaragua

  I found an organic farm where we could stay and learn all sorts of things with the main draw being a cook. You haven't ever really been on a vacation until someone cooks all of your meals for you. Despite the many luxuries, this was by far the most spiritually, physically, and emotionally intense trip I have ever been on in my life.

After our driver picked us up I asked if there were any orphanages in the area because we wanted to stop in and see if there were any specific needs that we might be able to meet while we were there. Alberto then proceeded to tell me that we were going to go by one in about thirty minutes if we wanted to stop in and Damien and I both agreed. He translated for us while we had a long conversation with the director. We were able to see that the kids were very well taken care of as there were about 5-6 in small homes with a caretaker. While we were walking around we didn't see many of the kids because they weren't out of school yet.
 As we were about to leave three young little girls came up to me. One of them grabbed my hand and so I knelt down and then another put her hand on my face. They were asking me my name and how I was and I was in turn asking them and telling them how beautiful they were in Spanish. It was as if time was standing still for those few minutes. I cannot put into words what happened to me at that moment but I know without a doubt that I had an encounter with God that I still haven't gotten over. I actually thought to myself maybe this is what Moses felt like when He encountered God in the burning bush only for me it was in the eyes of these little Nicaraguan girls.

Surprise calling

When I decided to call this blog Stacked Stones I did so because I wanted to use this avenue to remember all of the ways that God shows up.

 

 How awesome would it be if we wrote down even the smallest details of our lives that God orchestrates so that when we are in the valley that is sure to come we can remember and dwell on His faithfulness.



Once every year or so my husband and I try to take a trip together, which I advise everyone to do if at all possible, because in the end it will just be the two of us that remain. I have always loved traveling and for me it is much more about the experience than the destination. So we usually go to off the beaten path places that no one has heard of. For this last trip I was bone tired and honestly I just wanted to go and lay on the beach and have someone bring me margaritas while I read some mindless books. We watched an episode of House Hunters International and they were in San Juan Del Sur, Nicaragua. We both thought it looked like a cool little town but didn't think anything else of it. Then the next day I was reading the blog of someone I follow and she had a guest post from a missionary in Nicaragua. I just thought hmmm that's cool we just saw something about Nicaragua last night. The following day I was picking up one of my husband's shirts off of the floor while he was in the shower. I have never done this a day in my life but for whatever reason I looked at the tag in his shirt and low and behold it said "Made in Nicaragua". He got out of the shower to find me next to a stack of all of the shirts from his drawer and since he is a bit of a shirt connoisseur there were quite a few (like over 30).

There wasn't one other shirt in that stack that was made in Nicaragua.

 I just looked at him and said I don't know why but I think God is telling us to go to Nicaragua.

Lord have Mercy on my soul, the love of my life looked back at me and said, "Let's go."

Stop the car

As we pull out of the driveway we see him walking to his mailbox. We've only glimpsed him a couple of times even though he's our neighbor because that's how it is out here in the middle of nowhere. We see a lot more herons and hawks than we do people. So we slow down a bit and he looks uncomfortable At first, not knowing if we are just going to wave or demand more of him this cold winter evening. We stop the truck and we ask how he his and doesn't he go by Bill?  I see the bags under his eyes and there is a hint of sadness In His disposition. We talk about how far we both live from everything and that we both love it when we do get home. He says this evening he is a bit later because his dad is In the hospital dying of a brain tumor. And I know why we stopped. Yes we will bake him cookies and write him cards but that only shifts his thoughts for a moment. What will change now is that we will lift him and his father up to the God of the universe, the God who comforts. I often underestimate the power of prayer, suggesting that it isn't enough  and that I really need to do something tangible. In reality it is everything. It is what matters most. It is what brings peace in the midst of the storm. I remember as a child finding a prayer my mom had written for me. I remember thinking with all that was going She took the time to pray for me. I felt so loved. It is the greatest gift. Never to be underestimated. 

Maybe it is being pregnant 5 times in eight years, I really don't know.
What I know is that I have just been tired.
Bone weary, not even wanting to call my friends tired.
I hear the baby crying at 630 and I put one foot in front of the other wishing, yet again, that I would master going to bed early.
This is only temporary I tell myself.
I hear my voice reverberating from last night,  "I am so done".

Just hang me out to dry.

I can't even formulate words to pray, yet somehow I manage to browse the internet and flip through mindless magazines while watching meaningless television.

The attractive allure of effortlessness.

I read the Bible but I'm in a plexiglass container. A wire has been cut somewhere and nothing is getting through.
I plow forward with joy showing up at times as a guest that doesn't stay long. 
The reality is that I have the most magnificent life.
My name actually means "Blessed One" and oh how many times I have thought it to be true beyond my wildest dreams. 
Exterior circumstances blow with the wind.
Matters of the heart hold life in its balance. 
Which is why a Hollywood star would overdose and a little girl in Africa residing in a hut become the poster child for happiness.
I told my Sweet that the one thing that never fails me is worship music.
I know that God speaks to people differently and this is our language.
One of the greatest things I have done for the past two years is memorizing scripture put to songs with the kids. WE love Seed Family worship albums. So I decided that since I am in a bit of a heap I would try to just listen to a few praise songs a day and see if maybe that would pull me out. I thought, I will just praise God because He loves it and deserves it, I need to get past myself, and I can't muster up doing much else.

So, what happens when we've got nothing but we inch ourselves forward with just an ounce of hope in the pit of our stomachs?

I pulled out the headphones and I put Spotify on and selected Sara Groves, one of my favorites. The cool thing about Spotify is that is selects random songs for you that hopefully match the style of the person you like.
I was preparing to get into the mode of praising God, planning to hear, "I Exalt Thee", "As the deer pants for the water", "You are mighty to save", etc....
but instead for four songs in a row all I heard were songs about God's promises to me and how much He loves me.

"Rejoice my heart for my God has come to me and  His love will not let me go"

"My voice says, "I'm not good enough but then I hear you sing that I am lovely, worthy, and beautiful"

"As a mother knows her baby's face, You know me"

"I have been running for to long but you have promised always to be my HOME"

I have felt weak and inadequate.
I have felt like I just couldn't seem to get it all done so there must be something wrong with me.
I have felt torn about this homeschooling thing because on many days it is just plain hard.

So to have Him orchestrate a playlist of his love for me, brings me to a place of humble gratitude. It has broken through the bubble and reached the core. A soothing balm for the weary soul.
Right there in the midst of everything.
Larger than life.
The ever present outstretched Arms patiently waiting.