Father's Love

He grew up without a father and on the loneliest of days he whispered into the sky a promise

if he was ever given a chance he would be the Dad that he never had.

So he met his bride and the blessings came and he poured his life out for them.

He ridiculously over-loved them.

They were in their twenties before they realized they might not actually be the best thing that ever happened to the world.

It's a fine art, balancing this life in which we are supposed have some sort of margin.

He tossed all of that into the wind and just went for it.

The soundtrack of our lives was James Taylor and John Prine typically played in the background of a house being remodeled.

Time was best spent together on a couch eating Mayfield's Vanilla Swirl or outside on a swing listening to him say that I was perfectly capable of making all A's,  as if we all knew that.

There were runs along dirt roads and even then his words were like the wind at my back.

I don't think you can formulate into a pie chart all the ways that his love made us stand taller, how his encouragement made it seem the world really was at our fingertips.

Some things just can't be measured.

The deepest gratitude resides within me for the lens of my life is filtered through the knowledge of a Father's love.

The Mail Lady

The kids ask her what smells so good and she puts some of her hand sanitizer on them.
The next week she has left small bottles for all of them in the mailbox.
So they write notes and leave them for her.
Around Christmas the mailbox is full of gifts.
Then there are more notes and a little prize for when she comes.
It has become this sweet unexpected dance with our mail lady.
I am astounded by such thoughtful generosity.
When I ask about her children and if she has grandchildren the tears well up in her eyes.
She tells me that her one and only son is gay and she doesn't anticipate knowing the joy of grandchildren.
Slightly embarrassed, she goes on to explain how she's not sure where she went wrong and that they were at church every time the doors were open.
As I am listening to her, the pain is palpable, and my heart breaks right there on our gravel driveway.
There are no fingers pointed here.
All we can really do is love our children and be there for them.
We want to fix it and make it different but we can't.
That's why we cling to Hope.
We place our hurts at his feet.
We leave all of our unanswered questions in His hands.
We trust in his love for us and we allow his presence to mend all of our broken places.
We pray and mostly we just love each other.

Onward

So after the mad rush of preparing paper work, it seems to have been all in vain to a certain extent. With the passing of the law, the date became irrelevant and all people adopting from the US were instantly required to hire an agency.

This took the wind right out of my sails.

It's just slightly stifling to discover after some paper shuffling that what was going to be around 12,000 will now be closer to 30,000 dollars. I get that most people that do this are met with that fact up front but I am my father's daughter and I have this need to think I am getting a deal in my bones. I have been known to sacrifice the thing I really want the most for something less just for the mere satisfaction that comes from me knowing that what I ended up with was on sale.
It's ridiculous, I know, and I am slowly moving on.

So we wait.

We look around for a minute and we question God.
I question my capacity for really doing this thing.
I question whether he really called us to this, maybe I was just having an emotional moment.
I doubt it all...

And I pray.

I ask God to forgive a faith so weak that it would be shaken by the passing of a law.
I pray for further clarity, for greater faith, and for courage that I don't seem to have at this moment.

Within a couple of weeks a friend tells me about an agency that will "supervise" us. What this really means is that she will put her name on everything as if she is doing it herself but it will really be us doing it. So we will have what we need to satisfy all of the paper pushers and be able to jump through all of the required hoops because she is helping us for a minimal fee in comparison.

The beautiful thing about God is that he speaks to us in our language. He knows what matters to us even down to the giddiness we feel over getting a deal. He is faithful even when we are not.

So we press on.


And he reminds me this morning as I read...

"So I will allure her, I will lead her into the desert and speak to her heart"
                                                                                                                                        Hosea 2:16

This is what he did for me. When I was struggling with postpartum depression left way too long and I was barely functioning, sustained by Damien's love and strength...

I was in the Desert.
Broken.
And that was when God spoke to my heart about adopting our daughters.

Because somehow when we have come to the end of ourselves, we are better listeners.

"May we call out for insight and beg for understanding, looking for is as if it is silver or gold, a precious hidden treasure, then we will understand the fear of the Lord and find the knowledge of God."
  -Prov. 2:3

Prayer

For years I have struggled with prayer. I start off great and then I get distracted and then recall that I was praying so I start back up again. So I began to write my prayers down in an effort to focus and sometimes I say them out loud. I always wondered why I could study the Bible and do Bible studies all day but prayer just seemed so much harder. I realize that it is because it is the essence of relationship. It requires intimate communication, complete vulnerability, and poverty of spirit. In "A Praying Life", Paul Miller reminds me that I don't need self discipline to pray continuously, I just need to be poor in spirit. I must realize how much I need Him and as much as I try to be an independent do it yourself type of girl- I am nothing without Him. "Dependency is the heartbeat of prayer"- P Miller. 

May we stop dulling our souls with the narcotic of activity and Abide with the One whose very breath is in our lungs. 

Good luck

Yesterday I was out with the kids teaching them how to do cartwheels in the grass. It reminded me of childhood and the beautiful days spent with grass between my toes running after fire flies. It didn't last long as Julian and Cooper weren't really interested so we decided to start looking for four-leaf clovers. I told them how rare it was to find one that had four leaves and that some people think that if you find one you will be lucky even though I don't really believe in luck all that much. We looked for a while and I stopped and I prayed out loud, "God, we know that you know where all of the special clovers are. So, if you could just help me to find one that would be really awesome." The kids heard me and kept looking for a few minutes more. Julian finally decided to go in the house declaring we didn't have any of those four leaf clovers in our yard. Thirty seconds later I say, "Thank you for being so Good." Cooper comes over to where I am and sees the four leaf clover in my hand and he immediately runs in and yells to Julian, "God is good! Mom found one!"
And if they just learn that it will be enough.

A mad rush

           In July of this year a law will be passed that changes the way we do adoptions in our country. It will be a good change for the most part and will help to bring unity to the whole process. As a result, we have had to do about 6-9 months worth of paper work in three weeks. I am talking about HIV tests, TB tests, kids vaccinations and physicals, police checks, fire inspections, references, autobiographies, home inspections, and the list goes on.We are trying to get everything in before the law goes into effect because for us it means about $20,000 and a lot more work. I am optimistic but in all reality I know that it will be a miracle. I really think that God sometimes orchestrates these scenarios in our lives to show us His goodness. So that we can know even more profoundly that this is all about him and not us.

Deeper than my feet could ever wander

                  When we returned home that moment and the feelings I had refused to leave me. What I thought was perhaps residual compassion that would fade over time began to grow. It refused to be silenced or satisfied with just a check in the mail. I am not proud to admit this but I haven't ever even considered that we might adopt. I have seen firsthand how important genetics are and I have always had trouble believing that I could love a child that wasn't mine. My stance has been pretty clear from the beginning. I always read the verse in James and told myself that it didn't specify how we are to take care of the orphans and widows and sending money or food was just as well.

Until now...

The whole time I was in Nicaragua while we were walking on trails or riding in a truck a song I heard right before I left kept playing in my head:

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders

Let me walk upon the waters

wherever you would call me

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander

and my faith will be made stronger in the presence of my Savior

I will call upon your name

keep  my eyes above the waves

my soul will rest in your embrace

I am yours

and you are mine

 

- "Oceans"- Hillsong United

 

 

My feet would never have even began to walk in this direction without the voice of the Holy Spirit.

I finally decided to google "adopting from Nicaragua" just for fun. I read for about an hour and realized how completely ridiculous I must have been for thinking that God would ever want me to do something that hard. Mounds of translated paper work, no pictures of children would ever be shown, and the kicker, you have to live there for a three month fostering period. Well, that was fun while it lasted.. the end.

The very next day I was looking for a local church that might be hosting a conference I wanted to attend. We live in the middle of nowhere so I thought there was a slim to none chance of finding one, but I did. In Dayton, TN, the closest town to us. I clicked on the link and started investigating this church and though I was just looking to attend the conference, I thought the church looked really good. I was browsing their site which is pretty simple really and I clicked on the missions tab at the top and in big bright letters it said NICARAGUA.

Right after I had just given up the night before.

Of all of the options of churches and of all of the focuses on missions to choose from, God led me directly to this ONE??!!

When I mentioned the possibility of adopting to my other half he said that he thought it was great. Even after I told him how hard it was and all of the things we would have to do, he still agreed. He told me that after knowing me for this long if I was willing to do this then it must be from God.

So the adventure of trusting and obeying begins.