Maybe it is being pregnant 5 times in eight years, I really don't know.
What I know is that I have just been tired.
Bone weary, not even wanting to call my friends tired.
I hear the baby crying at 630 and I put one foot in front of the other wishing, yet again, that I would master going to bed early.
This is only temporary I tell myself.
I hear my voice reverberating from last night, "I am so done".
Just hang me out to dry.
I can't even formulate words to pray, yet somehow I manage to browse the internet and flip through mindless magazines while watching meaningless television.
The attractive allure of effortlessness.
I read the Bible but I'm in a plexiglass container. A wire has been cut somewhere and nothing is getting through.
I plow forward with joy showing up at times as a guest that doesn't stay long.
The reality is that I have the most magnificent life.
My name actually means "Blessed One" and oh how many times I have thought it to be true beyond my wildest dreams.
Exterior circumstances blow with the wind.
Matters of the heart hold life in its balance.
Which is why a Hollywood star would overdose and a little girl in Africa residing in a hut become the poster child for happiness.
I told my Sweet that the one thing that never fails me is worship music.
I know that God speaks to people differently and this is our language.
One of the greatest things I have done for the past two years is memorizing scripture put to songs with the kids. WE love Seed Family worship albums. So I decided that since I am in a bit of a heap I would try to just listen to a few praise songs a day and see if maybe that would pull me out. I thought, I will just praise God because He loves it and deserves it, I need to get past myself, and I can't muster up doing much else.
So, what happens when we've got nothing but we inch ourselves forward with just an ounce of hope in the pit of our stomachs?
I pulled out the headphones and I put Spotify on and selected Sara Groves, one of my favorites. The cool thing about Spotify is that is selects random songs for you that hopefully match the style of the person you like.
I was preparing to get into the mode of praising God, planning to hear, "I Exalt Thee", "As the deer pants for the water", "You are mighty to save", etc....
but instead for four songs in a row all I heard were songs about God's promises to me and how much He loves me.
"Rejoice my heart for my God has come to me and His love will not let me go"
"My voice says, "I'm not good enough but then I hear you sing that I am lovely, worthy, and beautiful"
"As a mother knows her baby's face, You know me"
"I have been running for to long but you have promised always to be my HOME"
I have felt weak and inadequate.
I have felt like I just couldn't seem to get it all done so there must be something wrong with me.
I have felt torn about this homeschooling thing because on many days it is just plain hard.
So to have Him orchestrate a playlist of his love for me, brings me to a place of humble gratitude. It has broken through the bubble and reached the core. A soothing balm for the weary soul.
Right there in the midst of everything.
Larger than life.
The ever present outstretched Arms patiently waiting.
