the beach

I am always looking for a new place to go on vacation. I can't help myself. I feel defeated in a sense if we go to the same place twice. Like what surprise is in that?! I also love the discovery of travel. I do not get my nails done or color my hair. Most of my clothes come from TJ Maxx or ebay. This is my total and complete justification for dropping some change on travel plans because life is too short to stay still for one thing and for another it is my minute attempt at letting God know I appreciate all of this beautiful planet that He has given us and I hope I get to rest my eyes on most of it.
Our most recent rendezvous was to Cape San Blas, Florida which is on the gulf side not terribly far from Panama City yet a world away. I prefer to have as much of the beach to myself as possible which is why I cannot go somewhere with high rises or an abundance of hotels. This does come with sacrificing multiple chain restaurants at my fingertips but I am down with that because if I could just go any ol' where I wouldn't have ended up here last night.

We drove past the place at first thinking there's no way that is where we are trying to eat. Oh but is was to the chagrin of my darling husband who sighed at all the cars. When I walked in and told the guy we had six people he said, "Honey, help yourself to the beer in the cooler and grab the kids some drinks. Y'all just remember how many you have." I think I might like this place. So we get some drinks and sit a spell on the front porch of sorts and since everyone is just out there together it can't help but turn into a full blown social event. There are people with dead fish stains on their shirts next to women tossing Coach bags over their shoulders. The ocean breeze along with a few brewskies seem to help carry the conversations.

While we were waiting a tubby guy with a white beard and creased face brings out a bucket from the back of his truck, Marlboro hanging from his lips. In these parts when that happens it means come on now people lets gather around for show and tell. This guy has a pygmy rattlesnake which is apparently one of six venomous snakes in Florida.  A rather voluptuous lady stuck in the 80's asked him to open that lid once more so she could take a picture of that thang. Oh my now this is entertainment people. As if that weren't enough a banjo and some spoons were brought out at some point and the jamboree began. All in all the food didn't rock our world and the wait was a bit tiresome but the experience...priceless.

Silence

There are mountains and there are valleys
Rarely does anything remain consistent
I shout out to the heavens and wonder if its getting through
So today when I read again how Moses implored the Lord to change his mind
To have mercy on his people
God listened
So even when if may feel there is no response.
He still hears.
He still loves.
And this I know for sure.

aspiring tree

A guaranteed remedy for grumpy discontent is thanksgiving.
I will forever be grateful to Ann for articulating this lesson.
When I am at my wits end, I force myself to shift perspectives.
I may look at the pencil for minutes but it always comes.
So many blessings begging to be noticed.
To be recorded as the gifts that they are....


my children laughing on the trampoline
the sound of lawnmowers ushering in spring
my daughter chasing a fly
dad with an armful of girl scout cookies
my brother, the chosen chief resident
a husband who thinks that extra ten pounds is sexy

It is this shift that saves me.
God's love is so obvious if we only choose to see it.
So many who are lost and view Him as the hammer coming down...
this is the part they miss
How important it is to get out from under the weight of this world
To behold the miracles
Every time I run in the woods or even glance up at a tree
I see it's in the posture of praising God

The song of creation never ceases yet it offers an open invitation

Get low

There are days when I want to walk out the door and not come back.
Just to be free and alone.
My husband laughs at me when I tell him I will not remarry if he dies.
He doesn't fully comprehend how much I long for space and air that only I am breathing.
A crevice to hide in where the only needs are mine.
Not to mention craving gratification and ego boosts like the flowers beg for the sun.
These aren't readily available in my domesticated life.
Diaper changing and playing mindlessly with Lego's is hardly stimulating.
I recognize it when it comes on.
This attack of discontentment.
Relentless screaming in my ear about greener grass and the insignificance of what I'm doing.
At least once a month I think about calling the Montessori school. I think I will ask them if they have any openings because on that particular day I think I need to ship my kids off.
The truth is so blatantly obvious.
My spirit clashes with humility.
Some days I just don't feel that I have the capacity to just lay it down.
To live in a position of bending low.
Give it up girl.
Put your agenda to the side.
Stop wishing that your kids would leave you alone so that you can do something that is so much less important than they are.
But I can't check them off of a list.
It's shameful.
It is this lacking within that forces my hand.
I come in fragments and pieces but God doesn't focus on my brokenness.
He reminds me that He came as a baby.
He spent his time with people that smelt bad and had nothing to offer him.
He did nothing to get a pat on the back.
He whispers over me that true love is acted out in the thousands of loads of laundry, in all the diapers, and when I choose them before me.
When he said to love others this is part of what he means and this is what he sees.
So I will stop waiting for the sticker to come in the mail.
I will choose for it to be enough that the God of the Universe notices.

Change of Plans

It all looked like he would go forth.
He would get that job that blurs the lines of integrity.
Alarm goes off, work clothes on, coffee in hand when the phone rings.
No, never mind, just stay home.
The arrangement has been altered.
People disappoint with the loyalty of a midnight hooker.
Circumstances drive us mad.
But our hope is not in these fickle fallacies.
No amount of money can buy peace.
Being in the wrong place is not worth the circles under our eyes.
His ways are so far above
When we can not make a bit of sense out of it
Can't find an ounce of logic in it
There is Rest.
The numbers of hair on our heads have been counted
He chose to die because He couldn't stand the thought of being without us
Mind blowing deeper than the ocean kind of Love
Deserving of all of our trust
Sit back with a smile on your face
glass of lemonade in hand
to witness the unfolding of the Master's plan

JD

We know one another's faults, virtues, catastrophes, mortifications, triumphs, rivalries, desires, and how long we can each hang by our hands to a bar. We have been banded together under pack codes and tribal laws. - Rose Macaulay


I ran with my baby brother today.
When he asks if I was thinking 3 miles and I reply with yes 3 or 4. He instinctively says, lets go 4 and I laugh.
This is how it has always been. A source of constant encouragement for each other in this or that.
We talked about his upcoming wedding day and what we needed to do to solve the insurance crisis and medical dilemmas in the great US of A.
Treasures of pulling him in the wagon and pretending he was my real live doll seem so near.
When I look back on crucial moments among all that I see his face is there.
We shared a bunk together for a year when we lived in the back of the chiropractic office.
His were the arms that I ran to first when Damien and I broke off our engagement for a time.
It was him standing between Dad and I during a knock down drag out when I was proclaiming his innocence.
He is the one who took Julian to catch his first fish.
He will become a husband and a doctor in the same month.
Oh this God given built in friend of mine, it's only just beginning.

To the outside world, we all grow old. But not to brothers and sisters. We know each other as we always were. We know each other's hearts. We share private family jokes. We remember family feuds and secrets, family griefs and joys. We live outside the touch of time. - Clara Ortega

Waiting

I listen to the priest read about Abraham and Isaac and I feel like I am eating macaroni and cheese. These stories that I have heard so many times they feel as if they are mine like Abraham and I are old friends.
I glanced over at my children and the tears sprang up out of the depths just imagining the trust it would have taken to be willing to give one of them up. I love them so much my heart can barely contain it which is why I wanted more of them. My husband eats an entire container of Ben and Jerry's ice cream on the weekends... there is no such thing as too much of a good thing around here. I want more of them. All at different stages so that I can enjoy the beauty of each together. I held a baby in my arms last night and I felt myself aching hours afterward. There is fear dwelling in new places. I am haunted by demons that never had a chance to mess with me. This vulnerability feels like a new uncomfortable shoe. Worry has always simply been a waste of time to me but impatience continues to trod along a well worn path.
 When I went to get the boys haircut in a Spanish salon today (Oh yes, we have those in Cleveland my friends) I met a man who didn't even tell me his name but within the first five minutes told me he was an intercessor on behalf of the church and that he had retired to become a spiritual warrior. He said that he had prayed for two solid years for God to show him what he should do in Cleveland. He said it like I would say the weather was nice yesterday. TWO whole years of just piddling around waiting. You know because I have so much I need to do, I mean who has time to sit around and wait on the God of the Universe to act. When with one word He can do more than a million of my lifetimes full of effort put together.
Thank you God for times of waiting.
For not letting me marry the wrong person because I didn't want to wait.
For the time I had to wait for my father to return because our relationship grew tenfold.
That I have to wait until I see my precious friends making the meeting all the more sweet.
The long line at the grocery store that initiates a conversation between strangers
The anticipation of the blooms after a barren winter
These are the growing moments
Patiently longing with bated breath to see your glory burst forth

Prayer

I can study the Bible for hours. 

I can read books for days.

Yet I long to be a woman of prayer. 

Harder, more intimate, real, vulnerable, a position of humility.

Do I believe that it matters?

Do I believe that God really knows better than me and if I do what excuse do I have for not more consistently laying my agenda at His feet?

I told my children on the way to school that it was time for prayers and instantly heard the huffing and saw the eye rolls.

"Do you know that you are praying to the God of the universe? The God who made those trees right there and that amazing blue sky above your heads? You get to talk to Him anywhere anytime. It is an honor!", I declared with a conviction that I wanted my actions to match.

After they went inside I read the daily readings and reflections for the day and this was part of it:

Listen to what John Chrysostom, a 5th century church father, has to say about the power of prayer: “Prayer is an all-efficient panoply [i.e. 'a full suit of armor' or 'splendid array'], a treasure undiminished, a mine never exhausted, a sky unobstructed by clouds, a haven unruffled by storm. It is the root, the fountain, and the mother of a thousand blessings. It exceeds a monarch’s power. ..I speak not of the prayer which is cold and feeble and devoid of zeal. I speak of that which proceeds from a mind outstretched, the child of a contrite spirit, the offspring of a soul converted – this is the prayer which mounts to heaven. ..The power of prayer has subdued the strength of fire, bridled the rage of lions, silenced anarchy, extinguished wars, appeased the elements, expelled demons, burst the chains of death, enlarged the gates of heaven, relieved diseases, averted frauds, rescued cities from destruction, stayed the sun in its course, and arrested the progress of the thunderbolt. In sum prayer has power to destroy whatever is at enmity with the good.”

There is a world full of hurt all around us and we have full welcome access to more power than our minds can fathom.
On my knees tonight because He's Listening.