Onward

So after the mad rush of preparing paper work, it seems to have been all in vain to a certain extent. With the passing of the law, the date became irrelevant and all people adopting from the US were instantly required to hire an agency.

This took the wind right out of my sails.

It's just slightly stifling to discover after some paper shuffling that what was going to be around 12,000 will now be closer to 30,000 dollars. I get that most people that do this are met with that fact up front but I am my father's daughter and I have this need to think I am getting a deal in my bones. I have been known to sacrifice the thing I really want the most for something less just for the mere satisfaction that comes from me knowing that what I ended up with was on sale.
It's ridiculous, I know, and I am slowly moving on.

So we wait.

We look around for a minute and we question God.
I question my capacity for really doing this thing.
I question whether he really called us to this, maybe I was just having an emotional moment.
I doubt it all...

And I pray.

I ask God to forgive a faith so weak that it would be shaken by the passing of a law.
I pray for further clarity, for greater faith, and for courage that I don't seem to have at this moment.

Within a couple of weeks a friend tells me about an agency that will "supervise" us. What this really means is that she will put her name on everything as if she is doing it herself but it will really be us doing it. So we will have what we need to satisfy all of the paper pushers and be able to jump through all of the required hoops because she is helping us for a minimal fee in comparison.

The beautiful thing about God is that he speaks to us in our language. He knows what matters to us even down to the giddiness we feel over getting a deal. He is faithful even when we are not.

So we press on.


And he reminds me this morning as I read...

"So I will allure her, I will lead her into the desert and speak to her heart"
                                                                                                                                        Hosea 2:16

This is what he did for me. When I was struggling with postpartum depression left way too long and I was barely functioning, sustained by Damien's love and strength...

I was in the Desert.
Broken.
And that was when God spoke to my heart about adopting our daughters.

Because somehow when we have come to the end of ourselves, we are better listeners.

"May we call out for insight and beg for understanding, looking for is as if it is silver or gold, a precious hidden treasure, then we will understand the fear of the Lord and find the knowledge of God."
  -Prov. 2:3