Get low

There are days when I want to walk out the door and not come back.
Just to be free and alone.
My husband laughs at me when I tell him I will not remarry if he dies.
He doesn't fully comprehend how much I long for space and air that only I am breathing.
A crevice to hide in where the only needs are mine.
Not to mention craving gratification and ego boosts like the flowers beg for the sun.
These aren't readily available in my domesticated life.
Diaper changing and playing mindlessly with Lego's is hardly stimulating.
I recognize it when it comes on.
This attack of discontentment.
Relentless screaming in my ear about greener grass and the insignificance of what I'm doing.
At least once a month I think about calling the Montessori school. I think I will ask them if they have any openings because on that particular day I think I need to ship my kids off.
The truth is so blatantly obvious.
My spirit clashes with humility.
Some days I just don't feel that I have the capacity to just lay it down.
To live in a position of bending low.
Give it up girl.
Put your agenda to the side.
Stop wishing that your kids would leave you alone so that you can do something that is so much less important than they are.
But I can't check them off of a list.
It's shameful.
It is this lacking within that forces my hand.
I come in fragments and pieces but God doesn't focus on my brokenness.
He reminds me that He came as a baby.
He spent his time with people that smelt bad and had nothing to offer him.
He did nothing to get a pat on the back.
He whispers over me that true love is acted out in the thousands of loads of laundry, in all the diapers, and when I choose them before me.
When he said to love others this is part of what he means and this is what he sees.
So I will stop waiting for the sticker to come in the mail.
I will choose for it to be enough that the God of the Universe notices.